I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
