I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
