Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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