what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
