Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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