Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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