Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We are two peas in an std pod
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
