The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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