Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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