I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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