I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
