I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
