I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
