So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
