what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize