How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
