i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
