eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
