I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
