I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize