I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
