i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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