Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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