please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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