In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
