I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
