I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
