don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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