he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
