There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
