State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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