ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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