dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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