I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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