I need to stop coming to work sober
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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