I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Let's paint friendship bongs
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
