He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
