Michael Bay diarrhea
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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