Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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