Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
