Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize