Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
