Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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