I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
