Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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