If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
