I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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