The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
