ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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