Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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