there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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