ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
