i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I met the friendliest cop last night
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We are all done wearing pants today
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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