he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
