If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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