meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
