i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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