You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
